My December column for Attitude magazine in London
I’m 28 and for the last few months have been seeing a guy I really like. More so than in the past, I feel like this relationship could really be going somewhere serious. The problem is, though the guy is great, his friends are all so immature. They’re obnoxious, loud and over the top. Whenever we go out, all they ever want to talk about is how much they can drink and who they’re shagging. I don’t think they like me much either, and this is starting to cause tension between my boyfriend and I. Should I just say I don’t want to spend time with them and save the awkwardness, or is it worth compromising my free time to keep him happy? I respect that they are his friends but you cant get on with everyone and id rather just be honest and let him go out with them on his own.
Kevin, Lincoln
Dear Kevin,
We all need to have time out with our friends, even when we have the best boyfriend in the world waiting at home for us. When a relationship is new, the temptation is to spend all of your free time together—which often results in neglecting longstanding friendships. By all means, encourage your guy to go out alone with his friends every now and again. Believe me, he’ll appreciate the freedom you’ve given him, and if he’s really into you, he’ll come back home eager to see you. What makes a relationship exciting and interesting over the years is that both of you bring something unique to the relationship. He needs to have experiences that don’t involve you so that he has something to share with you when you are together.
Try to limit the story you tell yourself about his friends. While they may be immature acting, it’s really not helpful to tell yourself that story. Make an extra effort to see life from their point of view. After all, your boyfriend sees something of value in them. Doesn’t that merit some investment of time and energy from you before you discard them as immature or obnoxious? Work to find the good in them, as they very well may be reacting to the perception that you don’t like them, and hence, they don’t accept you.
That’s the easy advice. Now, let’s talk about something that is bit more tricky. Your boyfriend’s friends reveal a lot about him. It’s really like a living and breathing ink blot test—the kind that old school psychiatrists might have used—to reveal the hidden secrets of his personality. His friends and the quality of his relationships say a great deal about your man and how he is likely to treat you.
Let me give you an example. When John goes out with his friends, the conversation usually turns catty. The jokes are often at everyone else’s expense and John joins with his friends in being super critical—frankly, bitchy—about everything and everyone else. What this reveals about John is a certain deep-seated insecurity and sense of shame about himself that he attempts to silence by putting down others to make himself feel better. And here’s what’s even more revealing: no one is exempt in John’s world from this cruel roasting. You may date John, laugh at his jokes, and enjoy the company, but beware! The judgment he generously dispenses upon others will one day be tossed your way. The bond that John shares with his friends is really more of a mutual “I’m OK and you’re not club” than a true friendship. If find yourself dating John, don’t fool yourself into thinking that you’re special and he (and his friends) will never use that wicked sense of humor on you. It’s only a matter of time.
Here’s another scenario: Tom surrounds himself with friends, all of whom are ex-boyfriends or want-to-be boyfriends who idealize Tom. Tom compensates for his internalized insecurities by having friends who are romantically, if not sexually attracted to him. His friendships are mostly “flirting friendships” with other men who are attracted to him. If Tom does decide to take a boyfriend, the friends may become jealous and highly competitive with the new boyfriend. The race is then on to see how quickly the new boyfriend can be dethroned from the position they secretly covet. Tom may actually encourage this mutiny as it makes him feel better about himself to see that others are fighting over him.
Now consider a third, more positive scenario—one where your boyfriend has authentic and supportive friendships. In this case, the friends might be hesitant, at first, to welcome you as the new boyfriend. But once they realize that you are special to their friend, they will accept you, if for no other reason than the fact that you are his boyfriend. True friends are always looking for reasons to support their friends’ happiness and contentment, and would only interfere if they truly believed that their friend was being harmed or taken advantage of by the new boyfriend.
A few other questions you might ask yourself include:
Does he maintain lifelong friendships with loving, supportive people? A man who moves through sets of friends every few years often struggles with a faltering sense of self and inner purpose. Today he is one way and tomorrow he will be another way. He can be wonderful to you when the wind is blowing your way, but when it changes, he will be nowhere around.
Is he straightforward in his communication or does he split among his friends by speaking ill of them behind their backs? Gay men who say one thing to your face and another behind your back create a trail of destruction and injured relationships. Often, this gay man will lure you in with his strict confidence and later share your private thoughts with anyone who will give him an ear. And believe me, if he does it with friends, he’ll eventually do it to his boyfriend as well. We’ve all been part of that uncomfortable conversation where a gay man openly trashes his boyfriend and divulges his embarrassing secrets.
Does he see the good in others or does he often imagine that others have ill-intent towards him? Those gay men who grew up in particularly invalidating environments can as adults come to view the world as populated by perpetrators. In essence they believe that it’s only a matter of time before others will take advantage of them or betray. It’s a sad way to live that ultimately leads to cynicism and loneliness.
Does he have a history of repairing damaged relationships or is he given to cutting people out of his life who offend him? One of the most important components of a loving, lifelong romance is forgiveness. We all make mistakes, and the longer you are with a man, the more obvious those mistakes become. A man who can find a way to forgive and heal relationships makes for a wonderful lover.
The type of friendships a man keeps is a window into the truth of his personality. So take a good, hard look at his friendships. How he handles his friendships, such as his ability to be validating, honest, and committed, are strong predictors of how he handles romantic relationships. Keep your eyes and your heart open to his friends for they very well may the key that unlocks the secrets of his heart.