I’ve been in a lovely relationship for nearly eight years, and as we approach our forties together, I feel like my relationship with my boyfriend is really strong in a lot of ways. However, in the last few months, he’s started gaining quite a bit of weight (I’d say about two stones) and I’m starting to find him less attractive. I frequently find myself thinking about other people in bed, and whilst I used to think I could never stray, now I’m not so sure. I want to resolve this before I do anything stupid, but I don’t want to hurt his feelings and for him to think I’m totally shallow. I love him and don’t want to see anyone else but I want to find my partner attractive. I would hate to tell him he has to lose weight to be with me. I don’t want to make him feel insecure. What I can do?
Stuart, Sheffield
Dear Stuart,
I’d like to introduce you to the concept of ambivalence--something I think will help you understand the conflict you are experiencing over your boyfriend’s expanding waist-line. Ambivalence isn’t, as I once thought, being uncertain about how you feel. It is the experience of having competing feelings for the same object, activity or person. For example, I have many clients who work in the entertainment industry in Hollywood and who absolutely love their chosen career but at times are disgusted by the difficult egos they must sometimes deal with, the long hours, or the on-again-off-again nature of the work. These clients are experiencing ambivalence in its true form--they have two very strong emotions about their work.
You may wonder what any of this has to do with a chubby boyfriend, so let me get right to the point. What you are experiencing is likely ambivalence about your relationship. And what may surprise you is that it isn’t likely ambivalence about his muffin top. I’m betting that your reaction to his weight gain and your fantasies about having sex with other men has more to do with ambivalence about deeper issues in the relationship than just his weight. You seem to love your boyfriend, which I don’t doubt. However, it leaves me wondering what the competing feeling is that is interfering with your sexual attraction to him. Your focus on his weight gain, while many may agree makes him less hot, is more of a red herring rather than true ambivalence.
One kind of ambivalence that I often see in gay men’s relationships arises when one partner is either financially or emotionally dependent upon the other. Being dependent on another person often elicits thoughts of being “less than” or “out of control” and results in feelings resentment or shame. And while a man who is dependent upon his partner may also love him deeply, he may just as equally resent the fact that he imagines he cannot function without his partner.
Another form of common ambivalence is when a man feels as if he is more invested in the relationship than is his partner. While he may have strong feelings of affection and attachment, he may also experience thoughts of uncertainty or feelings of fear. Yet another form of ambivalence is when a man experiences his partner as occasionally being shaming, critical or angry. Even brief episodes, such as bursts of rage or hyper-criticality can cause a man to develop ambivalence that includes feelings of both love and fear, or even disgust.
When ambivalence is present in a relationship, it inevitably shows up in the bedroom. Why? Because good sex is anything but ambivalent. Sex requires that you be present in the moment, focused on your partner, and surrender to his touch. If you are flooded with both feelings of attraction and withdrawal, sex can become confusing, rote and uninteresting, and frankly, can even prevent a man from achieving an erection.
Have you ever noticed that “make-up” sex is often very satisfying and hot? The reason for this is because when you make up after an argument, your ambivalence is often resolved, at least for the moment. It allows you to be fully present and to experience the fullness of your partner’s sexual attraction. If you’re having difficulty finding your partner attractive--a man presumably you were once head-over-heels attracted to--then take a hard look at the ambivalence that is lying between the two of you in bed.
Often times gay men assume that after years of being together, it is difficult to find one another sexually attractive; and it is at this point that many gay couples then decide to have an open relationship, where both men entertain sexual encounters with other men either separately or together. Is such “sexual boredom” inevitable? Not necessarily. The sexual bed death sometimes seen in longterm relationships is often directly related to strong feelings of ambivalence in the relationship and not, as commonly assumed, the results of too much familiarity with partner’s body. The decision to have an open relationship is one that is based on sexual tastes, a couple’s sexual morals, and feelings of security within the relationship. In other words, stepping outside your relationship for sex or inviting others into your bed for a romp is entirely a matter of personal preference and not an inevitability of a gay man’s sexual experience.
Gay couples who mistakenly open their relationship as a way of avoiding the ambivalence that creeped into their bedroom eventually find that it is more enjoyable to have sex with other men than with each other. And why wouldn’t they? It’s far easier to be fully present for a stranger, or someone who hasn’t spent years showing you his darker side, than it is to be with a man with whom you have strong, conflicting feelings. In time, these ambivalent, open relationships inevitably end with one or both men falling in love with someone outside their relationship.
Let me be the first to say that I’m all about a man with fit, trim body, but my experience has taught me that love, safety, trust and confidence are all much sexier than any bulging bicep or ripped abdomen. If you’d like him to lose some weight, give him a positive reason to want to please you. Tell him how sexy he is and how horny he makes you feel. As my grandmother used to say, you’ll catch a lot more flies with honey than vinegar. Criticism, complaints and shaming is only likely to fuel his own ambivalence about the relationship, even if it is successful in getting him to lose the extra pounds.
As for “doing anything stupid,” which I assume means you are considering the possibility of an affair with another man, I wouldn’t recommend it. A secret affair is never truly secret, even if no one else finds out about it. Nothing can erase from your memory the knowledge that you broke your partner’s trust. That secret inevitably creates an unconscious separation between the two of you, and will only serve to make your current feelings of ambivalence stronger. It will do nothing to solve your current sexual stalemate, and will likely make it worse.
You’d be hard pressed to find a gay man who isn’t attracted to a hot body. But remember, you don’t need a hot man in your bed to be content. What you need more than toe-curling sex is a man whom you love and who loves you equally in return. A relationship filled with trust and safety. And, at the end of your life, the memory of a life that was full of love and integrity. In the service of your own fulfillment and for the betterment of love, take the time and effort to understand and resolve your ambivalence so you can get back to the important business of creating a wonderful life with the man you love.